Self-Worth

At birth, everybody gets a different meat suit. Some are tall and strong. Some are weak, with inborn defects. Nature is cruel. Some people get pretty faces, others asymmetric. Some people get white hair and blue eyes; other folks are red-haired with green eyes. We don’t get to pick our bodies. Neither do our parents. Nature creates us the way it desires.

It is popular nowadays to send birthday wishes to someone over social media. People would post funny pictures of their friends or family members. They would add some text about that person and tag them in their post. One day I saw a similar post on Instagram. A mother posted several pictures of her twenty-something years' old daughter. She said that she and her husband were congratulating their daughter on her birthday and that they were super proud of her. The last picture displayed the two parents together. They were smiling and hugging each other. The text over that last picture blew my mind: “We created her!”. Oh, did you really?

How stupid would be to draw a sense of pride from my appearance? How stupid is it to associate me with my body? People who got lucky with healthy bodies and pretty faces build their entire self-worth on something that they did not have to work for. What are you proud of? That is just a free loaner. Showing off your butt is like renting a nice car and telling everyone that it’s yours. Well, it is, but only for a short period of time. How is your body different? It’s a loaner and you got it for free. You didn’t even have a chance to pick the size, color, or package. Nevertheless, you say that this is YOU and you build your self-worthiness on the fact that you got a better loaner than somebody else. That’s cheap. That’s fake.

Being healthy and looking attractive is not an achievement. Being fit or muscular does not make you any better than anyone who is not. Athletes build their entire self-worth on a fact that they got gifted bodies without physical defects and an ability to tolerate greater physical stress. What are you proud of? “I am proud of the work I put into building my fitness. Hard work. Discipline. I created myself”. Ha-ha. You have an inflated Ego. You are a lunatic. It just so happened that when you were a child, your parents sent you to an athletics center. Sorry, but they weren’t even thinking about you. You were just a way for them to build their own self-worthiness. Having an athletic child gave them a sense of superiority over their friends and neighbours. Your parents could not stop bragging about your athletic achievements. They told you that they were proud of you. They lied… unconsciously, of course. They were proud of themselves for “creating you”. Maybe they never accomplished anything in sports or life, so you became their last chance to become someone. You were their hope to get noticed. They associated themselves with you, that’s why all your achievements automatically deposited on your parent's accounts. They probably even told you that, but you never really thought about it. Unlike millions of other kids, you had an opportunity to do sports. You had an opportunity to go to a good school. You were always fed and well taken care of. You didn’t create those opportunities for yourself. Did you? You’ve accepted them as something expected. Because of sheer luck, you were born in a healthy body with opportunities up to your disposal. Of course, you used them. Now you are proud of “yourself”. You might even look down on those below you. You are “self-made”. You worked hard. You are someone. You are awesome. Ha-ha! What a big and important baboon you are. I don’t see any accomplishments here. Anyone would do it, were they in your shoes. Anyone. You are not a special snowflake.

How can I build my self-worthiness on the things that I was given to me for free? How can I be proud of something that just happened on its own? I can’t be proud of my intellect, because I did not pick my brain. It’s a loaner. I can’t be proud of my body nor its physical traits. They also were given to me for free. I was a lucky son of a gun to get the opportunity to leave my country. I grabbed it by the tail and did my best to not let it slip out of my hands. Anyone in my shoes would do the same. All opportunities in my life arose on their own. All I did was “my best”. I did not create anything in my life. There is nothing that “I” can ever create on its own.

She told me “You look good today”. I don’t even know how to answer. If I say “Thank you”, it would mean that I accepted her compliment. If I accept it — I would lie, because “I” didn’t create “Me”. I am just using this loaner. If I want to be completely honest, I should reply: “Yes, this is a great loaner that I’ve got. I am very lucky.”

I don’t know what I could be proud of in my life. All I do is just use the opportunities that come my way. I am just a user of this body. I am an operator, or perhaps an observer. I don’t think that I could ever find a sense of fulfillment in something material. I am not proud of that fact either. It freaks me out. My life would’ve been so much easier if I would be able to find happiness in a house with a white picket fence and a Porsche. I know that it won’t work for me, but I also have no idea what will. What if I never find that fulfillment? What if I spend my entire life searching and die without answers?